Holy shit, this was extremely uncomfortable to read because it's so dead on for me. Some different specs(no abs unfortunately, different religion, different relationship status) but otherwise...and I've been dealing with a lot of these feelings. The one substantive difference is I'm ten years younger. Wishing us both that God will smile on our efforts.
Have you had yourself checked out for ADHD? Honestly, it sounds like you share patterns with a lot of undiagnosed adults. A diagnosis may not help you get where you want to go, but it may help you forgive yourself for not being where you want to be. You’re not a failure; things might actually be harder for you than other people. You don’t need to blame yourself for that.
32 year old guy with 4 kids here. Reading this was like looking at window into my own soul. Amazing how closely your struggles and cognitive profile map to mine. Following to be in on this journey with you.
Thank you for sharing your story. I was particularly moved by this part: “I've been married for almost 14 years and have a very happy and emotionally close relationship with my wife. We're raising four young children under nine years old, and despite my shortcomings, they like being around me.”
Here are three thoughts that might be useful as you move forward.
First, David Brooks offers insightful perspectives on balancing career and marriage (link below), which seem very relevant to your experience. Successfully managing a 14-year marriage and raising four kids is no small feat!
Second, your narrative brings to mind Steven Pressfield's concept of Resistance from "The War of Art." This book has been really helpful for me.
Lastly, Heather McGowan's discussion on "shifting life blocks" presents a compelling framework for rethinking conventional work/life trajectories. It’s a useful little mental model.
It's refreshing to see your willingness to question the standard online narrative of Success™. I'm keen to see where your journey takes you.
However, while pursuing agency, don't forget to also pursue understanding and acceptance. While everything is learnable given enough time and energy, you only have so much time or energy. You will eventually have to prioritize. You will have to give some things up. You will have to accept that you can't practically change some things about yourself or your situation. Doing that without bitterness or resignation, or letting it drag you back down into an exhausted state is the challenge.
So while you should never stop fighting, you have to be prepared to lose sometimes, and accept the losses with grace. Being more agentic doesn't mean perfect control of your life. Wisdom involves knowing and loving yourself over time.
I'm more than a decade further into the process than you. I'm also a father of four who decided around my mid-30s to push forward with neglected aspects of my life. I'm starting a new company right now, something I never dared before. I think it's important throughout to approach this with a fun outlook. This isn't supposed to be an ordeal. Keep trying, celebrate the wins, laugh over the losses, but keep trying no matter what. As long as you're acting instead of reacting, enjoy the ride.
In my experience, in my 60s, exercise could help with many of your issues. With regularity it can become habit, even a form of hunger. Without it, in no time I lose energy, calmness, and even the ability to think well. It's critical. Try a spin class or running, 3x a week, increasing intensity - it's not as much time as you'd think. At first your body and mind will fight you like someone trying to come off crack
I am in my late 40s and often think of myself as an underachiever but that only makes sense relative to my potential. Relative to my socio-economic background, I am an overachiever!
Have you considered that maybe you are accomplishing something significant in your life, but don’t recognize it? 4 children that love you, a stable home, well-adjusted relationships…you may be following a purpose you haven’t been ready to acknowledge. You are certainly watering the seeds of a healthy world in the future.
Wow. I was at working at my home desk bobbing along to the Hamilton soundtrack in the background, feeling good. Then I started reading this and had to hit pause - this has blown me away. I identify with all of this, especially the paradoxical sense of wanting/planning/visualising change, but feeling like you don't have the mental fortitude (?) to confront the work and the uncertainty it requires. Amazing, this is the type of piece I'm not brave enough to write yet.
For what it's worth, your family unit sounds amazing and I believe knowing how to enjoy the beautifully ordinary and mundane with people you love is what much of life is ultimately about. Thank you and I look forward to following.
Embarrassingly relatable and painfully honest. I'm Indian and 26, living by myself in a new city, so we probably don't have much in common on the surface, but I've been similarly *struggling* to change myself like you listed (literally, I've made similar lists multiple times in my notes) for years now. I've done this probably since college and without much to show for it, but still trying. Glad to see your internal thoughts, and to know I'm not the only one. Cheers.
Thank you for writing this. Like others, I see so much of myself in what you wrote here, and have also been feeling inspired by recent discourse on becoming more agentic. I'm excited to follow along with your journey!
Hi Mike, your piece struck me to the heart, I was in a similar position to you. I have found that becoming more self aware was key to my success. It sounds like you are very self aware, so that is progress. The thing that really helped me was to take a personality test as it helped me realize that some of my “flaws” were very common. I recommend the site 16 personalities.
Thanks for posting this. I agree with a lot of it, and I think the older you get the harder it becomes to face the reality you thought you'd be living with the one you're in right now. I like that you were so appreciative of the good things you've had along the way. Big reminder to stay grateful.
Holy shit, this was extremely uncomfortable to read because it's so dead on for me. Some different specs(no abs unfortunately, different religion, different relationship status) but otherwise...and I've been dealing with a lot of these feelings. The one substantive difference is I'm ten years younger. Wishing us both that God will smile on our efforts.
What an incredible first post! I love the depth and honesty here. I've subscribed and look forward to reading more. 👏🏻 👏🏻 👏🏻
Have you had yourself checked out for ADHD? Honestly, it sounds like you share patterns with a lot of undiagnosed adults. A diagnosis may not help you get where you want to go, but it may help you forgive yourself for not being where you want to be. You’re not a failure; things might actually be harder for you than other people. You don’t need to blame yourself for that.
32 year old guy with 4 kids here. Reading this was like looking at window into my own soul. Amazing how closely your struggles and cognitive profile map to mine. Following to be in on this journey with you.
I love this. We all need to investigate ourselves in this rigorous way, if only to reduce the number of regrets we have when we die. Bravo to you.
Thank you for sharing your story. I was particularly moved by this part: “I've been married for almost 14 years and have a very happy and emotionally close relationship with my wife. We're raising four young children under nine years old, and despite my shortcomings, they like being around me.”
Here are three thoughts that might be useful as you move forward.
First, David Brooks offers insightful perspectives on balancing career and marriage (link below), which seem very relevant to your experience. Successfully managing a 14-year marriage and raising four kids is no small feat!
Second, your narrative brings to mind Steven Pressfield's concept of Resistance from "The War of Art." This book has been really helpful for me.
Lastly, Heather McGowan's discussion on "shifting life blocks" presents a compelling framework for rethinking conventional work/life trajectories. It’s a useful little mental model.
It's refreshing to see your willingness to question the standard online narrative of Success™. I'm keen to see where your journey takes you.
https://www.nytimes.com/2023/08/17/opinion/marriage-happiness-career.html?smid=url-share
https://heathermcgowan.com/sample-frameworks
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/1319.The_War_of_Art
Am 24 and identify with a lot of this. Following for inspiration.
I salute your efforts! Never stop fighting!
However, while pursuing agency, don't forget to also pursue understanding and acceptance. While everything is learnable given enough time and energy, you only have so much time or energy. You will eventually have to prioritize. You will have to give some things up. You will have to accept that you can't practically change some things about yourself or your situation. Doing that without bitterness or resignation, or letting it drag you back down into an exhausted state is the challenge.
So while you should never stop fighting, you have to be prepared to lose sometimes, and accept the losses with grace. Being more agentic doesn't mean perfect control of your life. Wisdom involves knowing and loving yourself over time.
I'm more than a decade further into the process than you. I'm also a father of four who decided around my mid-30s to push forward with neglected aspects of my life. I'm starting a new company right now, something I never dared before. I think it's important throughout to approach this with a fun outlook. This isn't supposed to be an ordeal. Keep trying, celebrate the wins, laugh over the losses, but keep trying no matter what. As long as you're acting instead of reacting, enjoy the ride.
In my experience, in my 60s, exercise could help with many of your issues. With regularity it can become habit, even a form of hunger. Without it, in no time I lose energy, calmness, and even the ability to think well. It's critical. Try a spin class or running, 3x a week, increasing intensity - it's not as much time as you'd think. At first your body and mind will fight you like someone trying to come off crack
I am in my late 40s and often think of myself as an underachiever but that only makes sense relative to my potential. Relative to my socio-economic background, I am an overachiever!
Have you considered that maybe you are accomplishing something significant in your life, but don’t recognize it? 4 children that love you, a stable home, well-adjusted relationships…you may be following a purpose you haven’t been ready to acknowledge. You are certainly watering the seeds of a healthy world in the future.
Wow. I was at working at my home desk bobbing along to the Hamilton soundtrack in the background, feeling good. Then I started reading this and had to hit pause - this has blown me away. I identify with all of this, especially the paradoxical sense of wanting/planning/visualising change, but feeling like you don't have the mental fortitude (?) to confront the work and the uncertainty it requires. Amazing, this is the type of piece I'm not brave enough to write yet.
For what it's worth, your family unit sounds amazing and I believe knowing how to enjoy the beautifully ordinary and mundane with people you love is what much of life is ultimately about. Thank you and I look forward to following.
Embarrassingly relatable and painfully honest. I'm Indian and 26, living by myself in a new city, so we probably don't have much in common on the surface, but I've been similarly *struggling* to change myself like you listed (literally, I've made similar lists multiple times in my notes) for years now. I've done this probably since college and without much to show for it, but still trying. Glad to see your internal thoughts, and to know I'm not the only one. Cheers.
Thank you for writing this. Like others, I see so much of myself in what you wrote here, and have also been feeling inspired by recent discourse on becoming more agentic. I'm excited to follow along with your journey!
Hi Mike, your piece struck me to the heart, I was in a similar position to you. I have found that becoming more self aware was key to my success. It sounds like you are very self aware, so that is progress. The thing that really helped me was to take a personality test as it helped me realize that some of my “flaws” were very common. I recommend the site 16 personalities.
God Bless!
Austin
Thanks for posting this. I agree with a lot of it, and I think the older you get the harder it becomes to face the reality you thought you'd be living with the one you're in right now. I like that you were so appreciative of the good things you've had along the way. Big reminder to stay grateful.