Holy shit, this was extremely uncomfortable to read because it's so dead on for me. Some different specs(no abs unfortunately, different religion, different relationship status) but otherwise...and I've been dealing with a lot of these feelings. The one substantive difference is I'm ten years younger. Wishing us both that God will smile on our efforts.
Have you had yourself checked out for ADHD? Honestly, it sounds like you share patterns with a lot of undiagnosed adults. A diagnosis may not help you get where you want to go, but it may help you forgive yourself for not being where you want to be. You’re not a failure; things might actually be harder for you than other people. You don’t need to blame yourself for that.
I am an adult with diagnosed ADHD and what you describe is almost out of a text book on diagnosing adult ADHD. The "hyperactivity" part of ADHD is a misnomer as is the idea its all about a lack of attention. ADHD is an executive functioning condition, not an attention one. It's also definitely not about will power.
I suggest the book Taking Charge of Adult ADHD by Dr. Russell Barkley. It gives a great overview of the condition, how you could get a diagnosis, and treatment options. Even if you don't want to take medication (which works really really well), there are other strategies, tactics, and therapies that can be very helpful.
I am in this same boat as you and look forward to reading more about your journey. Things can change and can get better - you can do it!
100% look at Wellbutrin and modafinl/adderall/ritalin if you have focus/energy/motivation issues.
It might not solve all your problems (like getting work done consistently), but I’ve known people who completely changed their day-to-day productivity.
(I say this as someone who resisted going the chemical route for quite awhile and who painfully identified with what you wrote.
Working from home in a less structured job has been a real struggle, when in all my other jobs I was a hard worker by default. In school, I was great, but homework was a struggle. Now all I have is homework. Whoops.
I should have been on modafinil years ago for daytime drowsiness anyway, and I have zero negative side effects from it or Wellbutrin, plus I lost some weight.)
32 year old guy with 4 kids here. Reading this was like looking at window into my own soul. Amazing how closely your struggles and cognitive profile map to mine. Following to be in on this journey with you.
Thank you for sharing your story. I was particularly moved by this part: “I've been married for almost 14 years and have a very happy and emotionally close relationship with my wife. We're raising four young children under nine years old, and despite my shortcomings, they like being around me.”
Here are three thoughts that might be useful as you move forward.
First, David Brooks offers insightful perspectives on balancing career and marriage (link below), which seem very relevant to your experience. Successfully managing a 14-year marriage and raising four kids is no small feat!
Second, your narrative brings to mind Steven Pressfield's concept of Resistance from "The War of Art." This book has been really helpful for me.
Lastly, Heather McGowan's discussion on "shifting life blocks" presents a compelling framework for rethinking conventional work/life trajectories. It’s a useful little mental model.
It's refreshing to see your willingness to question the standard online narrative of Success™. I'm keen to see where your journey takes you.
In my experience, in my 60s, exercise could help with many of your issues. With regularity it can become habit, even a form of hunger. Without it, in no time I lose energy, calmness, and even the ability to think well. It's critical. Try a spin class or running, 3x a week, increasing intensity - it's not as much time as you'd think. At first your body and mind will fight you like someone trying to come off crack
However, while pursuing agency, don't forget to also pursue understanding and acceptance. While everything is learnable given enough time and energy, you only have so much time or energy. You will eventually have to prioritize. You will have to give some things up. You will have to accept that you can't practically change some things about yourself or your situation. Doing that without bitterness or resignation, or letting it drag you back down into an exhausted state is the challenge.
So while you should never stop fighting, you have to be prepared to lose sometimes, and accept the losses with grace. Being more agentic doesn't mean perfect control of your life. Wisdom involves knowing and loving yourself over time.
I'm more than a decade further into the process than you. I'm also a father of four who decided around my mid-30s to push forward with neglected aspects of my life. I'm starting a new company right now, something I never dared before. I think it's important throughout to approach this with a fun outlook. This isn't supposed to be an ordeal. Keep trying, celebrate the wins, laugh over the losses, but keep trying no matter what. As long as you're acting instead of reacting, enjoy the ride.
That’s a great perspective! Thanks for that reminder. I agree that the pursuit of agency should not mean the neglect of all other important parts of being human.
Hey, thank you for writing about the challenges of life and the urge to change despite the unhelpful patterns. Great read, excited for what’s to come. salute, -s.
You’ve done a great job analyzing your faults here but while they seem overwhelming, I bet many of them are interconnected. I’ve found that many so called faults disappear instantly when you fix/update a single incorrect assumption about yourself but finding that is really hard.
You really put what I’m experiencing into words, and not just for me it seems haha. I just turned 34, in a loving 12 year relationship (no kids… yet), live close to my parents, and lots of hobbies and friends. I love my life.
But the work thing has been a festering sore that won’t sort itself out. I’ve tried so many “careers” trying to find something that excites me and gives me energy—auditor, personal trainer, copywriter, banker, restructuring consultant—and still haven’t quite figured it out.
Always wanted to march to the beat of my own drum, but there are more times than I care to admit where I truly wasn’t trying. Too many broken promises to myself. I’m also coming to this same realization as you, and maybe we had to hit mid-30s for those lessons to sink in.
You mentioned regaining trust with yourself through small actions. One promise to myself I’ve repeatedly broken is to write everyday, so I bought this journal called “One Line a Day” and it’s doing wonders. I leave it on my bedside table and haven’t missed a day yet. Thought I’d share in case you can apply something similar to what you’re trying to get after.
Thanks for sharing Mike. I’ll be following along on your journey and plan to write and share what I’m going through as well.
Holy shit, this was extremely uncomfortable to read because it's so dead on for me. Some different specs(no abs unfortunately, different religion, different relationship status) but otherwise...and I've been dealing with a lot of these feelings. The one substantive difference is I'm ten years younger. Wishing us both that God will smile on our efforts.
Here’s to that journey 🍻
Ditto, but I'm a few years older.
ditto, but I'm a few years older yet (47) :)
I love this. We all need to investigate ourselves in this rigorous way, if only to reduce the number of regrets we have when we die. Bravo to you.
What an incredible first post! I love the depth and honesty here. I've subscribed and look forward to reading more. 👏🏻 👏🏻 👏🏻
Thank you for that encouraging note. It means a lot to me.
Have you had yourself checked out for ADHD? Honestly, it sounds like you share patterns with a lot of undiagnosed adults. A diagnosis may not help you get where you want to go, but it may help you forgive yourself for not being where you want to be. You’re not a failure; things might actually be harder for you than other people. You don’t need to blame yourself for that.
Good observation. I have not looked into that, but the thought has crossed my mind. Appreciate the encouragement.
I am an adult with diagnosed ADHD and what you describe is almost out of a text book on diagnosing adult ADHD. The "hyperactivity" part of ADHD is a misnomer as is the idea its all about a lack of attention. ADHD is an executive functioning condition, not an attention one. It's also definitely not about will power.
I suggest the book Taking Charge of Adult ADHD by Dr. Russell Barkley. It gives a great overview of the condition, how you could get a diagnosis, and treatment options. Even if you don't want to take medication (which works really really well), there are other strategies, tactics, and therapies that can be very helpful.
I am in this same boat as you and look forward to reading more about your journey. Things can change and can get better - you can do it!
100% look at Wellbutrin and modafinl/adderall/ritalin if you have focus/energy/motivation issues.
It might not solve all your problems (like getting work done consistently), but I’ve known people who completely changed their day-to-day productivity.
Fascinating. Thank you.
(I say this as someone who resisted going the chemical route for quite awhile and who painfully identified with what you wrote.
Working from home in a less structured job has been a real struggle, when in all my other jobs I was a hard worker by default. In school, I was great, but homework was a struggle. Now all I have is homework. Whoops.
I should have been on modafinil years ago for daytime drowsiness anyway, and I have zero negative side effects from it or Wellbutrin, plus I lost some weight.)
32 year old guy with 4 kids here. Reading this was like looking at window into my own soul. Amazing how closely your struggles and cognitive profile map to mine. Following to be in on this journey with you.
Kindred spirit 🙏
Thank you for sharing your story. I was particularly moved by this part: “I've been married for almost 14 years and have a very happy and emotionally close relationship with my wife. We're raising four young children under nine years old, and despite my shortcomings, they like being around me.”
Here are three thoughts that might be useful as you move forward.
First, David Brooks offers insightful perspectives on balancing career and marriage (link below), which seem very relevant to your experience. Successfully managing a 14-year marriage and raising four kids is no small feat!
Second, your narrative brings to mind Steven Pressfield's concept of Resistance from "The War of Art." This book has been really helpful for me.
Lastly, Heather McGowan's discussion on "shifting life blocks" presents a compelling framework for rethinking conventional work/life trajectories. It’s a useful little mental model.
It's refreshing to see your willingness to question the standard online narrative of Success™. I'm keen to see where your journey takes you.
https://www.nytimes.com/2023/08/17/opinion/marriage-happiness-career.html?smid=url-share
https://heathermcgowan.com/sample-frameworks
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/1319.The_War_of_Art
Thank you! I appreciate these ideas and will check them out. I’ve enjoyed everything I’ve read by David Brooks— that seems like a good resource.
In my experience, in my 60s, exercise could help with many of your issues. With regularity it can become habit, even a form of hunger. Without it, in no time I lose energy, calmness, and even the ability to think well. It's critical. Try a spin class or running, 3x a week, increasing intensity - it's not as much time as you'd think. At first your body and mind will fight you like someone trying to come off crack
100%
Am 24 and identify with a lot of this. Following for inspiration.
I salute your efforts! Never stop fighting!
However, while pursuing agency, don't forget to also pursue understanding and acceptance. While everything is learnable given enough time and energy, you only have so much time or energy. You will eventually have to prioritize. You will have to give some things up. You will have to accept that you can't practically change some things about yourself or your situation. Doing that without bitterness or resignation, or letting it drag you back down into an exhausted state is the challenge.
So while you should never stop fighting, you have to be prepared to lose sometimes, and accept the losses with grace. Being more agentic doesn't mean perfect control of your life. Wisdom involves knowing and loving yourself over time.
I'm more than a decade further into the process than you. I'm also a father of four who decided around my mid-30s to push forward with neglected aspects of my life. I'm starting a new company right now, something I never dared before. I think it's important throughout to approach this with a fun outlook. This isn't supposed to be an ordeal. Keep trying, celebrate the wins, laugh over the losses, but keep trying no matter what. As long as you're acting instead of reacting, enjoy the ride.
That’s a great perspective! Thanks for that reminder. I agree that the pursuit of agency should not mean the neglect of all other important parts of being human.
Hey, thank you for writing about the challenges of life and the urge to change despite the unhelpful patterns. Great read, excited for what’s to come. salute, -s.
This resonated way too close to home! Thank you for writing, subscribing and following your journey! All the best 💯
FYI: this sounds like the inner dialogue of an Enneagram 9, which does represent about 20% of the population.
You’ve done a great job analyzing your faults here but while they seem overwhelming, I bet many of them are interconnected. I’ve found that many so called faults disappear instantly when you fix/update a single incorrect assumption about yourself but finding that is really hard.
I think you should read Augustine.
Hey Mike- This touched me deeply, so authentic. Just know that change is possible. I’ve subscribed and excited to read about your journey.
You really put what I’m experiencing into words, and not just for me it seems haha. I just turned 34, in a loving 12 year relationship (no kids… yet), live close to my parents, and lots of hobbies and friends. I love my life.
But the work thing has been a festering sore that won’t sort itself out. I’ve tried so many “careers” trying to find something that excites me and gives me energy—auditor, personal trainer, copywriter, banker, restructuring consultant—and still haven’t quite figured it out.
Always wanted to march to the beat of my own drum, but there are more times than I care to admit where I truly wasn’t trying. Too many broken promises to myself. I’m also coming to this same realization as you, and maybe we had to hit mid-30s for those lessons to sink in.
You mentioned regaining trust with yourself through small actions. One promise to myself I’ve repeatedly broken is to write everyday, so I bought this journal called “One Line a Day” and it’s doing wonders. I leave it on my bedside table and haven’t missed a day yet. Thought I’d share in case you can apply something similar to what you’re trying to get after.
Thanks for sharing Mike. I’ll be following along on your journey and plan to write and share what I’m going through as well.